“The Emoji Movie” Review

Ha heh ha heh ha ha heh heh hoooooh!  Oh gosh, I haven’t had this much fun since that NyQuil-induced fever dream where I was a black Rambo who fought off mercenaries and space aliens whilst driving in the jeep from Lilo and Stitch!  I mean that.  Granted, it is likely I lost my sanity watching/researching this atrocity of a motion picture.  Be that as it may, I have successfully maintained a crazed smile for the last 3 days, and it may turn into something worse if I don’t get this review published.  Prepare yourselves for the most numbing trek through the most stereotypical movie of the decade.

The Emoji Movie is directed by Tony Leondis and written by: Tony Leondis, Eric Siegel, and Mike White.  Stars-T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Jake T. Austin, Maya Rudolph, and Sir Patrick Stewart.  Premise-Gene (the “meh” emoji) causes trouble when he makes the wrong emotion, so he sets out a journey through the phone to become his assigned trait.

Where to even start?  Why, at the production company logos of course!  Yes, Sony has given us even more proof that the downfall of children’s cinema is at hand.  The Emoji Movie (20 of my brain cells die every time I say that) panders so much, it would make Michael Bay, Stephenie Meyer, and every Illumination Entertainment executive blush.  The moral-which is a cliché at this point-is the, “you be you” message that went from earnest and fresh, to tired and annoying.  To make things even better, they use all of the following clichéd lines, “Just be yourself,” “I like you just the way you are,” and “You be who you want to be.”  It’s hilarious watching these adults try to relate to kids.  Almost as fun as watching a handful of funny people phone it in.  Rudolph is playing the same character as the dog in The Nut Job, Corden is agitating, Miller’s voice naturally sounds like he’s disinterested, Faris plays a freaky hybrid of Wyldstyle and a Tumblr feminist, there’s 1,000 useless celebrity cameos, and since Patrick Stewart is more respected than the Apollo 13 crew, there’s no point in making fun of his choice to voice the visual representation of Sony films.

Some probably think this movie’s worse than Ghostbusters (2016) or Norm of the North, but I disagree.  Ghostbusters wanted to tick people off, The Emoji Movie wants to hit every single mark on the “by-the-numbers kids movie (Politically Correct Edition)” handbook.  Awkward protagonist?  Check.  Diverse-even though their personalities are stereotypes-cast?  Check.  “Don’t listen to the haters” moral?  Check.  Brightly-colored 3D animation that looks like candy?  Check.  Distracting sexual innuendos and pop culture references in a pitiful attempt to entertain parents?  Check-a-roony!  All that’s missing are some pointless pop songs in the soundtrack… spoke to soon.  They got Christina Aguilera to play a character called Akiko Glitter in a scene where our main emoji’s enter a Just Dance app and must dance their way out of certain doom.  Wow.

Likewise, Norm of the North is the stupidest animated movie of all time; but The Emoji Movie rips off Wreck-It-Ralph, Inside Out, and A Bug’s Life (without ANY of the emotional connection whatsoever).  Sony adds its trademarked product placement, this includes: Crackle, Facebook, YouTube, and at least 5 others, while subjecting the audience to every predictable joke in the book.  The logic of this movie is nonexistent, the characters are forgettable, and the film defenestrates any opportunity for actual entertainment that comes along.

When all this is said and done, The Emoji Movie will be hastily forgotten.  This movie is like Styrofoam; light, forgettable, lacking substance, takes up space, and will cause slight indigestion if consumed.  If you need more proof of this film’s objective failure, check out these facts.  It’s rated #6 on IMDb’s Bottom 100, the box office gross is $31 million ($19 million less that the budget), and take a look at the official Twitter page.  As of the time of this post, it has 13 likes.  Thirteen!  None of which were likes of Tweets posted by actual people (all companies).  No one likes this movie, no one has anything nice to say about it, and it makes me so happy because of that.  I’m not that worried or angry (I’ll leave that to the YouTube critics), the last 3 movies I saw in the theater were: The Hero, The Big Sick, and Dunkirk, everything’s gonna be fine.  The Emoji Movie gets Guy’s Guru Grade of an F, for Failure to Try.

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