For the longest time, I fought off the reality and tried to remain optimistic, but when things really went downhill for me, I couldn’t deny it any longer. It’s difficult trying to explain what I went through when I don’t want to tell you exactly what has been going on. This isn’t a vlog channel: I don’t get too personal in my reviews. Just know that my life has drastically changed. It’s overwhelming, arduous and exhausting. Nevertheless, I continued to visit the theater. Through it all, few things remained faithful; God, my family, and watching movies.
In that pitch-black auditorium, a few rows from the front so I have my space, my life fades away for an hour or two: replaced by a giant screen that demands my attention and sounds that make the seats vibrate. I get to watch other’s lives/stories as they encounter happiness and challenges, love and heartache. Sometimes it’s very moving, most times it’s just par for the course. One thing never changes though; my confused, young mind can focus on one thing for a while. This is a feeling that I crave, to the point of almost feeling sorrowful when it’s time to leave. Now you know one of my primary reasons for watching movies, they are an escape like no other for me. The films below are the 10 least pleasant moviegoing experiences I had last year. Not because of a rowdy audience member, or too much salt on my popcorn, it’s that what I paid for turned out to be garbage.
Rules: This list contains movies from 2017 that I have watched in their entirety. Whether I reviewed them or not doesn’t matter (I’ve linked the original reviews to each movie on the list however). The grades I gave them in their reviews do not matter; it is a comparison of the worst movies I saw. Only theatrical releases, with the exception of Netflix originals, are permitted. Of course, you will not agree 100 percent with my choices, and that’s OK: there were plenty of stinkers I didn’t get to see or just didn’t make the cut. Enjoy the rage!
#10 – The Dark Tower
What do you call a bad Stephen King adaptation without the goofiness or awkward acting to make it worth watching? The answer is this fantastical misfire. Though Maximum Overdrive, Silver Bullet, and Cell are not good movies, they are at least entertaining. With the exception of Matthew McConaughey (who seemed to be the only one onscreen who was enjoying himself), the entire production was bland, underdeveloped, and forgettable.
On a side note, I watched The Shawshank Redemption (a much more acclaimed Stephen King movie) last month. Holy crap, it just might be the greatest film of all time! I’ll eventually do a review of it, but I encourage everyone to watch it. No, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, quite the opposite in fact, but it is the quintessential movie for those who are in a bad situation and need a message of hope. I think I can speak for everyone who had a trashy 2017 in saying that we need a reminder that even the worst circumstances imaginable cannot truly destroy hope.
#9 – Life
Here’s a movie that deserves to be forgotten. Looking back, perhaps I was a bit too angry after watching it; I must have thought I was really funny too. Still, the screenplay was pretty clumsy. The overdone characters, an unnecessary twist, and a tone which took itself a bit too seriously made Life one annoying movie to get through.
#8 – Despicable Me 3
The second I start to allow the, “It’s just for kids” excuse to be a rational reason for why 90% of animated movies are manic, 3D, and annoying, is the second I stop being a film critic. Illuminati Entertainment makes the same movie over and over again, with the results being less rewarding each time. Minions was terrible, but I knew I’d get nothing out of it. Despicable Me 3 had actual characters and one of the South Park guys: I expected something. All they did was up the stupidity, annoyance, and nonsense.
#7 – Alien: Covenant
What’s worse than a movie that treats its child audience like idiots? A movie that treats its adult audience like idiots. Alien 6 (that’s four more than necessary people), uses every horror cliché in the book and doesn’t have the characters, action, or coolness to distract you from its faults. I really don’t look forward to watching whatever sequels are spawned from this mess. At least All the Money in the World was decent.
#6 – Justice League
As typical with every DC movie after Watchmen, the more brain power you use while thinking about them reveals more problems than before. I tried everyone: I tried. As the idiocy unfolded throughout my viewing experience, I kept telling myself it would get better, or have a fine payoff. No such things happened. Instead, I was treated to Jar Jar Miller and a whole lot of plotholes. It’s embarrassing to watch so much miscommunication between everyone in the production team. I don’t think Ben Affleck’s movie resume from 2003/2004 lacked as much onscreen chemistry as Justice League did! The only thing that keeps this wreck out of the top five is the fact that Wonder Woman came out the same year. Even then, that movie wasn’t spectacular, let alone Best Picture worthy.
#5 – Fifty Shades Darker
Here’s a movie that must be on everyone’s worst list on principle alone. I think it was more focused than its predecessor, but the writing was just horrendous. I don’t know whose idea it was to add 57 subplots, none of which had to do with sex, to a movie that only needed to be one hour long instead of two. The cast struggles to get through their scenes, a putrid soundtrack, and no lasting impact aside from disdain made this one a chore to get through.
#4 – The Circle
Almost a whole year went by since I saw this movie, and I don’t think I’ve grown any more intelligent in the matters of technology or the arguments for and against privacy in modern times. What hasn’t changed is my hatred for this film which couldn’t create a compelling argument if it tried. The entire cast was wasted, the runtime nearly put me to sleep, and as far as I know, there are no golf ball cameras in my bedroom so I don’t think I learned anything. Honestly, most of the film’s problems would be fixed if it took itself less seriously. That entire chase scene was the epitome of “jumping the shark.”
Eventually I’ll overdose on crappy kids movies, but until then, this mishmash of immature jokes, unlikable characters, and overdone plotlines is the third worst movie of 2017. There’s a reason why the phrase, “Who asked for this?” exists. How can someone of average intelligence choose this film over something like Kung Fu Panda, which has charm, wit, and great action? Heck, it even has plenty of immature humor and colorful animation. Not even Sing was as child-pandering as this Nut Job 2, and I actually enjoyed Sing!
#2 – Monster Trucks
Speaking of kids films that have less intelligence than kids themselves, here is the dumbest movie of 2017. Yes, I know IMDb says it was released in 2016, but the original release year was 2015 and kept getting pushed back to 2017. In the review I said that Monster Trucks wasn’t offensive, just insanely stupid. Though I stand by that comment, scientists still have yet to figure out how so many intelligent human beings came together to make something so moronic. Perhaps not enough detail went into that review: I facepalmed so many times throughout watching the movie. The actors either didn’t care or had no idea what to do, the plot was almost a nonentity, and the characters had no depth. Every so often a movie comes along that leaves such a little impact that it is forgotten almost instantly. Aside from some reviews, the movie bombed financially, and no one has mentioned it since.
The more we encourage Disney’s utterly useless live-action remakes, the less inclined they will be to try something NEW. Be that as it may, Beauty and the Beast is a well-presented, but emotionally lifeless heap of bad musical numbers. There was something I didn’t talk about in the review: LeFou. If you didn’t already know, Disney made a big deal about this character being their first gay character in a film. The problem is that I didn’t even know it was LeFou when I watched the movie. Honestly, I spent a while wondering how I missed that, but it was made clear when I watched this video by CellSpex (which does bear a striking resemblance to a post I made 10 days earlier). She said, “When it [a character’s sexual orientation] needs to be confirmed behind-the-scenes to be evident, it’s just another way of keeping LGBTQ characters in closets.” That one quote completely exposes Beauty and the Beast for the fake that it is. Unfortunately, everyone watched it and now Disney owns 20th Century Fox and has even more re-fakes in production. God help us.
Unfunny and tedious.
Proper social commentary ≠ 140 uncomfortable minutes of racism and brutality. This film does little else besides showcasing humanity at its worst: if I wanted to see that, I’d watch the news.
Bloated, overlong, and exhausting to watch. Its predecessor had the right amount of charm and fun to fall back on when things got crazy. The Golden Circle favors treating the audience to a POV shot of a CGI vagina.
This movie will also be in the honorable mentions on the best list. As the year went on, this movie kept popping up in my mind. As needlessly disgusting as this movie got, it had plenty of redeeming qualities. I went back-and-forth on whether it deserved a spot on either lists, but I settled for mentions.
#1 – The Emoji Movie
Out of sheer curiosity, and a little bit of contempt, I read all 10 (out of 108) fresh reviews this movie got on Rotten Tomatoes. One guy gave it a 2/5 so I don’t know how that equals “positive,” another required me to subscribe to their newspaper in order to read the review, three of them are in Spanish, one took me to a blank page, Common Sense Media more or less judges movies based on how little they will challenge your kids so I don’t count their opinions, a senior critic noted how bland it was while trying to keep an optimistic view, and the last two people actually praised it! To them, it’s clever, very funny, well-animated, and “an allegory that can be read on multiple levels from the political to the religious, a rare attempt by Hollywood to come to grips with the online world…” I’m sorry Jake Wilson, but that simply isn’t true. Then again these guys could be writing this sarcastically, but that’s difficult to get across with just words. In any case, the movie still blows.
Look man, there are no amount of words that can describe how evil this movie really is. In fact, I’d have to write a 2,000-word opinion piece if I truly wanted to cover everything wrong with this movie. Since I’d rather leave this piece of crap in the crap year that spawned it, watch this review. Mr. Enter does a better job of summarizing both the objective and subjecting things wrong with the entire film than I do. Whatever respect I had left for Sony’s visual media department was murdered by this tortuous movie. The entire point of this movie is to sell a product, aka make Sony more money, and I cannot ever forgive that.
I pray to God that no company tries to pull a stunt like this ever again. Keep in mind, human beings who eat, sleep, and breathe like you and I sat down and decided to make a movie that mocks the audience it tries to sell to. The Emoji Movie is a pandering, insulting, sexist, clichéd, predictable, annoying, lazily-animated, sinister, useless, obnoxious, unfunny, dated, empty, stupid, sewer system filled with the most puke-inducing swill that humanity could possibly create. It’s one of the worst movies ever made and may everyone who is unfortunate enough to know its existence be made wise as to try a bit harder in their own respective work.
And that is that on that. I hope you guys enjoyed this extraordinarily late list. I have gained a slightly more realistic outlook on life, and while I don’t expect 2018 to be amazing, it simply cannot be as bad as 2017 unless the nuclear holocaust happens.