animation

“Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie” Review

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!  While I could annoy you with excuses reasons as to why it took me over 2 weeks to publish a review (like realizing that the seats at my new AMC get booked really fast), that would be weak and unprofessional.  Instead, I’ll talk about my firsthand exposure to the horror of… pre-movie commercials!  I drastically overestimated how long it would take me to get to this matinee, so I had about 40 minutes of filler to sit though before the movie actually started.  Now, I’m not talking about the trailers for movies that will play in a theater, I’m talking about those ads that air when you’re taking a pee-break from PBS.  Lo and behold, I’m stuck in a scratchy chair, without the use of my phone because I ran out of data, and the commercials are unbearably generic.  All except for the one where I got to see Mark Wahlberg talk to Gumball Waterson.  That was fun.  Once the nightmares concluded, I could finally be treated to one of the most potentially-abhorrent adaptations of all time.  Let’s begin.

Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie is directed by David Soren and written by Nicholas Stoller and David Soren.  Stars: Thomas Middleditch, Kevin Hart, Ed Helms, and Jordan Peele.  Premise-The lives of two joke-making schoolkids are forever changed when they hypnotize their mean principal into becoming Captain Underpants (a superhero the boys created for their comics).

Remember when Blue Sky Studios released The Peanuts Movie 2 years ago?  It was an adaptation of a classic source material meant for children, animated in energetic 3D, everyone thought it would suck, and by a miracle from heaven, it was actually good.  Well, DreamWorks seems to have taken a few notes from the most forgettable animation company of modern time and the result is a thoroughly passable venture.  I love Dav Pilkey’s Captain Underpants novels.  Clever humor, satirical storytelling, and a thorough understanding of the spirit of childhood.  When I first heard the mere idea of a film adaptation, I could not fathom how they could stretch the stories into 90 minutes.  Then again, The Peanuts Movie did it right, let’s see how Captain Underpants accomplished this.

The first thing I must praise is the voice-acting.  While Middleditch sounds way too old to voice a 9 year old (Harold), Kevin Hart actually changed his voice for this role (unlike in Secret Life of Pets).  Also, Jordan Peele is excellent (he voices a white kid, and I couldn’t tell it was him), and Ed Helms’s energy as the hero is impossible to resist.  What’s better is that the animation brings each of these characters to life.  You guys know I’m not that big a fan of 3D, but its best uses are with adaptions like Wreck-It Ralph, The Peanuts Movie, The Angry Birds Movie.  The character designs are perfect, and the fast-paced writing allows for some entertaining slapstick and visual gags.

When it comes to the story… eh, it’s hard to talk about.  In regards to my question about how they could get 90 minutes out of a book with less than 150 pages, the writers attempted to combine the first, second, and fourth novels.  I say attempted, because the narrative is very disjointed.  If you never read the books, it’ll be less distracting, but certain scenes felt out of leftfield.  There are also a few terribly-sung musical numbers (I get the point, but Middleditch can’t sing), and there are a few clichés that grate on you.  Despite this, the writing is actually more intelligent than you’d expect.  This movie has an unholy amount of self-awareness.  There are just as many jokes for adults as there are for the kids.  And by “adult jokes” I don’t mean gross sex puns, or obnoxious stereotypes (the ones that made The Angry Birds Movie so unfunny), I mean self-referential humor that pokes fun at clichés of the genre.  Obviously, this wasn’t done as well as say, The Lego Batman Movie, but it is no less appreciated here.  Above all, the show knows it’s for kids.  There are a few fourth wall jokes here and there when the characters talk directly to the kids in the audience.  Wouldn’t you know it; the children in the theater loved it.

Alright, another one bites the dust.  I hope you enjoyed this review, because I recommend it to anyone with kids or fond memories of the novels.  Heck, I wrote a book report on this series a few years back, and I can comfortably say that I enjoyed watching an animated, middle-aged man parade around in his underpants for 90 minutes.  More reviews coming soon!  Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a B.

Disney Remakes: and Their Effect on the Industry

“Really?  Another online millennial complaining about remakes?  Let me guess: he hates the Ghostbusters remake, lives in his parents’ basement, and thinks his opinion is the only correct one.”  Hey!  I’m moving into a dorm in August…  Anyway, let’s talk about something that has been punching my frontal lobe for over 2 years.  I kept my patience during Maleficent, I tolerated a remake that added just as many problems as it fixed (Cinderella 2015), I gave Jon Favreau the proper praise for his Jungle Book, and I’ve completely forgotten Pete’s Dragon (2016).  However, what I, and most others judging by the reactions, did not know was that Disney had been planning a massive “remake” franchise.  This very concept infuriates my creative core, and this post is essentially going to be an informal essay on why I believe so.  If anyone wants to challenge my undeniably logical arguments, then make your way to the comments, where I eagerly await to enter “YouTube comment debater” mode!  In all seriousness, I’d really appreciate your feedback with these projects; it’s one of the best ways to learn.  Rant time!

As we all know, Walt Disney was (among many things) a brilliant businessman.  While fighting his way through war, financial insecurity, securing the rights to stories he wanted to tell, and starting his business, Disney was diligently creating one of the world’s most diversified, universal, influential, powerful, profitable, and successful companies in the history of man.  However, the company had to start somewhere.  Before you think this post is a biography of Walt Disney, fear not.  This is only context for how we got to present day Disney, because the film portion of Disney Studios was based off of adapting previously published stories.  Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (1937), Cinderella (1950), Sleeping Beauty (1959), and many others were all books with similar settings.  All Disney did was adapt them into animated films for child audiences, but oh, did he do it well.  It took very little time for the business to launch, fast-forward about a century or so, and we are at present day.

Mickey Mouse is kicking butts and taking names.  After procuring Marvel and Lucasfilm, they’ve had an almost monopoly-like control over the box office.  If you add the box office gross of The Jungle Book (2016), Captain America: Civil War, Finding Dory, and Zootopia, you get over 4.1 BILLION dollars!  Do you know how much money that is?  Disney certainly does, because they have greenlit over 5 completely unnecessary live-action remakes of their classic films.  Take note that only 1 out of those 4 movies was not based off a familiar product (Zootopia).  This brings me to my first argument (no, it’s not because these movies “ruined my childhood”); these remakes have no point.

To properly explain what makes a great remake, let’s talk about the greatest film remake of all time, John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982).  I read John W. Campbell Jr.’s Who Goes There? (the short story the movie is based on), I watched The Thing from Another World (1951), and I watched Carpenter’s 1982 remake, if there is anyone who understands this story, it’s me.  What I find fascinating is that Carpenter’s version is more faithful to the short story than the first film.  The Thing from Another World is passable, but it has many problems.  So, what does horror master Mr. Carpenter (hot off of Halloween and Escape from New York) do?  Take what made the original work, update the production design, add more character development, and pull no punches.  If you haven’t seen The Thing, please get yourself a copy and watch it because it’s one of the top ten best horror movies of all time.  This is because the material was updated for a newer audience, and the idea behind the remake wasn’t, “Hey, let’s capitalize on something we know made money before!”  The Thing (and others like Scarface, True Grit, and both Magnificent Seven films) proved that remakes can be even better than the original.  So why then is a company known for its creativity and creating warm childhood memories deciding to rehash those memories under the guise of calling them “reimaginings?”  The short answer is that guy in the title picture.  The long answer is more complicated.

In my minor experience, Hollywood likes to play it safe.  The pattern is so universal, audiences expect to see crap in January, blockbusters in the summer months, and Oscar-bait come September.  I somewhat understand this (school’s out in summer, take advantage of more people having more time), but at some point, it becomes a very dangerous tradition.  I’m sick of companies refusing new ideas in place of making money, especially if they have too much already (just think of the last production logo you saw on the big screen).  I want to show you this tweet by CinemaSins.  This is what ticks me off the most.  How many Pulp Fiction/La La Land/Inception scripts were rejected in place of giving us a remake that really has no purpose?  What about the next Steven Spielberg who was left in the waiting room?  Sheesh, The Blair Witch Project was made with sixty-thousand dollars, Star Wars cost $11 million, Hell or High Water required $12 million, and the list goes on.  At this point, “Hollywood is out of ideas” is a freaking punchline due to how many retreads we get.  However, there is hope, in the form of the person reading this post right now.

Check out this screenshot from Rotten Tomatoes (taken a month ago).

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The audience has a lot of control over what is made for them.  This is a no-brainer, you pay money for a certain thing, and more of that thing is made for you (supply and demand).  These companies are merely giving the people what they want.  In the case of positive feedback vs financial revenue, the greenbacks always win.  Because of this, the response is not the problem, that 98% is.  I’m not saying it’s your fault that these sterile remakes are popular (there are so many variables at play), but it is your responsibility to be a “smart shopper” as it were.  One of the main reasons I review movies is to help people decide if something is worth their valuable time and hard-earned money.  Some movies are torture for me to sit through (Vacation 2015), some are delights (Kung Fu Panda 3), and some are just bland and generic (most modern remakes), but the knowledge in knowing that someone is listening keeps me going.  As someone who writes proactively and wants to make movies, it pains me to see the same thing over and over.  What I’m talking about today may not be as horrid as Freddy Got Fingered or Norm of the North, but while those were original products that faded away because of their awfulness, these remakes are setting a trend that smaller, greedier executives will follow, and… it’s a dang shame.

In conclusion, I hope that you now have an understanding as to why I despise this business practice.  Throughout writing this, this thought never left my head, “Perhaps I’m just stating a clichéd criticism.  Maybe all of this will not change anyone’s mind.”  However, I don’t care.  It feels good to finally get my thoughts out there in a formal fashion.  Even if I have no impact, movies could be much, much worse.  At the end of the day, the audience decides what to spend money on.  I leave you with this, what film will you support?  A prettily-disguised cash grab, or a work of ambition that doesn’t fit into “the norm?”

“The Lego Batman Movie” Review

You all know the story of a certain animated masterpiece about Legos, how great it is, and how the Academy, in one of their dumbest moves yet, snubbed it for Best Animated Feature in 2015.  The writing was clichéd, but creative, the voice-actors’ personalities shined, and the animation is some of the best you’ll ever see.  It proved many naysayers wrong, and reminded us that movies based on toys don’t always have to suck.  This film paved the way for toy-based movies to make a comeback.  Sadly we got Trolls, Max Steel, and Monster Trucks.  Looks like Hollywood needs a refresher on how to do it right, and there’s no better candidate than the one we’re going over now.

The Lego Batman Movie is directed by Chris McKay and written by: Seth Grahame-Smith, Chris McKenna, Erik Sommers, Jared Stern, and John Whittington.  Stars-Will Arnett, Michael Cera, Rosario Dawson, Ralph Fiennes, and Zach Galifianakis.  Premise-A spin-off of The Lego Movie, Bruce Wayne/Batman must face his fear of relationships while ensuring the safety of Gotham.

Before we get into anything major it would be apparent to say that this movie is not nearly as amazing as the first one.  That doesn’t mean The Lego Batman Movie isn’t without its charms.  Honestly, if you want to sum up this movie’s humor, I would call it a kid-friendly version of Deadpool.  There are so many fourth wall jokes, jabs at the clichés of superhero movies, and CinemaSins-style (those guys have no idea how much they’ve influenced cinema) self-awareness gags.  Basically, this movie makes fun of anything having to do with the Batman character from the 60s to the 2010s (I honestly think it was funnier than Deadpool).  That is where the humor shines.   There is some quirky wordplay, but the parody factor is what delivers.  The animation compliments it very well.  Surely it doesn’t need to be stated that the animation in these Lego films is in the Top Ten of Forever/All Time?  I don’t have to say much, just check out the trailers, or the first movie, or this movie, and ye shall be rewarded (the music is pretty cool as well).

Unfortunately, Lego Batman suffers from something that many parodies can’t escape… using the clichés they make fun of.  Doing this is necessary to a certain point (how could Scream be a 90s horror movie if there were no teens getting murdered?), but Lego Batman uses many comic book movie clichés to build the story.  This would have been fine if the writing was as solid as it was in The Lego Movie (whose entire message and lead character was a trope as old as storytelling itself), but there are quite a few plotholes and they don’t reach the amount of dramatic heft they were going for.

The main conflict is Batman’s refusal to allow others into his life, which is definitely enough to carry a movie.  My problem is how they execute it.  Batman is flanderized quite a bit.  I know that this is a tongue-in-cheek animated Lego flick (an extremely over-the-top one), but Batman is annoyingly hard-headed and egotistical during most of his screen time.  I could excuse it in The Dark Knight because his character was very complicated, but it takes way too long for Lego Batman to learn this simple lesson.  Also, this thing about Batman’s character that they are debunking; it’s been a major part of Bruce Wayne’s core character since the comics.  That’s what makes him Batman.  If you want to satirize how the movies have taken it too far (Batman v Superman, Dark Knight Rises) or not cared at all (Batman and Robin) fine, but questioning Bruce Wayne’s loner personality is like complaining about Superman’s alien origin.

The last few script problems are minor, but distracting.  For one, I have no idea when this story takes place.  I know it’s a spin-off, but they mention “master building” once or twice and they show a clip from the first movie.  Continuity is important, regardless of what character arc you’re focusing on.  Also, the climax is pretty cheesy.  Actually, it’s cheesy, predictable, and makes no sense.  Is it bad to say that the Portal Ex Machina from The Lego Movie was more believable than what happens in Lego Batman?  Again, these are minor problems; there is plenty of good to make up for it (including the energetic voice-acting).

I hope you’ve ascertained two things from this review: 1-The Lego Batman Movie is not as good as its predecessor, 2-you should see it right now.  If not for the humor, then maybe for the spectacle.  This movie is truly wonderful to look at.  I was scared to write notes should I miss some scintillating imagery.  This is one of the best animated spin-offs of all time, and it rightfully deserves Guy’s Guru Grade of a B+.

 

Batman Movies Ranked

Batman: The Movie (1966) – N/A

Batman (1989) – A

Batman Returns (1992) – C+

Batman Forever (1995) – B-

Batman and Robin (1997) – F

Batman Begins (2005) – A-

The Dark Knight (2008) – A

The Dark Knight Rises (2012) – C

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016) – C-

Batman: The Killing Joke (2016) – C-

The Lego Batman Movie (2017) – B+

Top Ten Best Movies of 2016

I don’t know what to write here, so let’s just talk about some dang good movies!

 

Rules: This list contains movies from 2016 that I have watched in their entirety.  Whether I reviewed them or not doesn’t matter (links to the movies I have written about will be provided).  Only theatrical releases can be on this list.  The grades I gave them in their reviews do not matter; it is a comparison of the best movies form last year that I saw.  Finally, this is my list, with my opinions, and my praise, so enjoy!

 

#10 – Zootopia

Yes, that “rules” paragraph was copy-pasted from my other list (problem?), but here is a movie without a shred of redundancy.  My opinion has wavered over how rock solid the commentary is, but one thing is certain, Zootopia is a clever look at society with the charm and likability of a Disney renaissance film.  The characters (if they are not a stereotype) are brimming with personality, the voice acting is amiable, and the animation is some of the best 3D has to offer.  Zootopia is overrated, but for very good reason.

#9 – The Lobster/Swiss Army Man

What is dis?  Two movies for one spot?  How dare I!  It’s my list, so roll with it.  I was in a major state of hopelessness before I watched these movies.  I really needed to see something original to combat the slew of pandering garbage.  I was excited and apprehensive to see both of these films because their trailers left much to the imagination.  I’ve been meaning to talk about both of these movies since I first watched the last year, but other things took priority.  By now, you probably know the plots of these movies, and you should watch them if not.  What’s fascinating is how eerily similar they are.  Both are love stories, they each have fantasy elements, they both have a 7.1 IMDb rating, neither of them follow “traditional” writing, and they were both incredible refreshers in a crappy film year.  The casts are given a lot to work with, the soundtracks are magnificent, and the oddball humor almost always hits it’s mark.  Most critics prefer The Lobster and most audiences prefer Swiss Army Man, but as far as this Internet nobody is concerned, they are equally original, equally entertaining, and equally important.

#8 – The Magnificent Seven

Many a time has passed when I fantasize about Vincent D’Onofrio’s Jack Horne entering reality, hunting down the people who gave this movie a poor rating, and asking them in a half-friendly tone (while brandishing an axe), “Now why did y’all have to do that?”  Is that normal?  Can you blame me?  The Magnificent Seven is one of the best action movies of last year, but it is quite possibly the most underrated gem of that year.  The performances are memorable, the action is brutal, the score is incredible, the cinematography is resplendent, and the mere fact that this movie is not only the rare, “remake of a remake,” but one that manages to be good as well… it’s awesome!  This is Antoine Fuqua’s best film since Shooter in 2007.  And yet, people still call it a worse remake than Ghostbusters 2016.  For those of you who believe that, refer to this list, then this review, then get your brain checked out.  Don’t give me that look; this is a list of movies that I love.  Of course I’m going to defend them!  You get the point, you’re in for some great action when you watch this movie.

#7 – Kung Fu Panda 3

I spent at least 30 minutes debating the order of this movie and the next one on the list.  After re-reading the reviews, thus recalling why I love both of them, I still can’t decide.  I’d put them both in the same spot, but I already did that with The Lobster/Swiss Army Man, and I don’t want to annoy you that much.  Let’s just say that #7 and #6 are interchangeable.

Oops, almost forgot to talk about Kung Fu Panda 3.  I still stand by what I said in the review, “Kung Fu Panda is one of the greatest movie trilogies of all time!”  I cannot think of a film trilogy that improved each time.  Return of the Jedi isn’t as good as its predecessors, nor was Temple of Doom or Dark Knight Rises, and the individual films in the Toy Story and Lord of the Rings trilogies are equally great (at least to me).  I am thoroughly triggered over the Oscar snubbery of this film.  There was not an animated film that looked more beautiful than this one.  Nobody will agree with me, but while Kubo and the Two Strings was detailed, Sing was colorful, and Zootopia was wonderfully designed, the visual appeal in Kung Fu Panda 3 (especially during the spirit world sequences) is not to be missed.  The animation is backed by likable characters, progressive writing, and upbeat humor.  I don’t know what they’ll do with the next movie but I have confidence in this team.  Their effort shows through the finished product, which is entertainment with a big heart.

#6 – Doctor Strange

Superhero movies cannot grow old as long as Marvel keeps churning out exceptional stuff like Doctor Strange!  From the acrobatic choreography, to the charming cast, to the philosophy, to the incredible production quality (i.e. makeup, F/X, costumes, and sets), everything is impressive.  You’ll notice that there are many movies on this list that could be considered “basic entertainment,” but that is perfectly acceptable.  There seems to be two radical thoughts on how “deep” movies can be.  Either “every movie is mindless entertainment,” or “everything has to be Manchester by the Sea levels of emotionally complicated.”  There is such a thing as a lighthearted action flick with some character or moral depth.  There can also be a serious movie with a decent helping of fun action/comedy.  One of the finest examples of this is Raiders of the Lost Ark.  If you think about it, the whole point of the movie was to stop the Nazis (the freaking Nazis!) from getting their hands on a weapon that would allow them to take over the world.  Clever writing and Steven Spielberg’s direction gave the movie more of a “fun adventure” tone, despite the many aspects of it that are not meant for kids.  On the surface, Doctor Strange is a thrilling spectacle of magic, but the developed characters all have very adult reasons for what they believe in.  Bottom line, if you want a superhero flick with the excitement of a summer blockbuster but with the attention to detail of a character piece, Doctor Strange is your movie.  After all, there will be plenty of mature movies now that we are in the top 5.

#5 – La La Land

We wanted a movie with style.  We wanted a movie with originality.  We wanted a movie with effort.  In response, we got La La Land, a beautiful throwback to the musicals of the past.  I never explained how bad of an experience I had at the theater when I watched the movie.  It was… very unpleasant.  After watching more reviews, clips from the film, and listening to the soundtrack on repeat, I’ve grown to like it more.  I still don’t think that “fantasy” thing near the end should have happened, but La La Land is still a feel-good musical with irresistible actors and a soundtrack that is just as great as everyone says.  It’s a movie that sparkles with style, delivers pure entertainment, and radiates passion/effort.

#4 – Hidden Figures

This one has grown on me over time.  The cast brims with talent, every character’s dialogue is intelligent, the score is wonderful, and the pacing is really good.  It felt like I had endured the amount of time the women in the movie did.  When justice is served, it felt earned.  The lighthearted tone mirrors the movie’s most valuable asset… a sense of hope.

#3 – Captain America: Civil War

In a world when audiences across the world are massively disappointed by one of 2016’s biggest misfires (Batman v Superman), Marvel will release a film (no, an event) that will remind us that superhero movies can have compelling story arcs, characters with character, mind-blowing visuals, incredible fight choreography, and a perfect balance of comedy and drama.  To those who have been picking apart every single word in the script, aren’t you taking this superhero movie (that doesn’t’ take itself that seriously) too seriously?  I really like Daniel Brühl’s villain, he had a plan that is legitimately intelligent.  The tension between the 10+ main characters (I’m still amazed at how well they wrote everyone) created more suspense than waiting for the airport scene (that takes really competent direction), and of course, the freaking battle sequences alone make life worth living.

#2 – Hacksaw Ridge

It came down to a tough decision between this move and number 1.  Hacksaw Ridge is one of the two movies of 2016 that drove me to tears (the other was Patriots Day, specifically the ending).  There are so many things this war drama does right… only the direction of Mel Gibson could have done it.  Andrew Garfield shines (as does the rest of the cast), the character’s actions support the message, the technical aspects are a spectacle, and that M.M.M montage cannot be forgotten.  This movie spends it’s time setting up the compelling characters before throwing them into the horrors of Hacksaw Ridge.  It is very hard to watch this movie, but the amount of care and respect that went into it is awe-inspiring.

 

Honorable Mentions

A sequel that ups the characters as much as the production quality, The Conjuring 2 has the dramatic heft to support the terrifying story.

Why wasn’t this nominated for any Oscars?  Seriously, Parker Sawyers and Tika Sumpter are spot on, their relationship progression felt natural, the time period is captured very well, and the movie doesn’t focus purely on politics.  As far as romances go, it’s one of the best.

After Barbershop 2: Back in Business, this movie had very little to live up to.  But under the competent direction of Malcom D. Lee, a fully-utilized cast, fast-paced humor, relatable characters, and engaging social commentary, The Next Cut became the best film in the trilogy.

  • Arrival

I never got around to reviewing this one because I couldn’t’ form an actual opinion.  One (or four) thing’s for sure, the story is original, the visuals can’t be beat, the score is chilling, and it requires you to use your brain.

  • Nocturnal Animals

This is one of the most elegant movies I have ever seen.  The score (especially “Wayward Sisters”) is beautiful, Tom Ford’s vision is remarkable, the performances (especially Jake Gyllenhaal and Michael Shannon) are excellent, and the story is intriguing.  Nocturnal Animals is one experience you won’t soon forget.

  • Loving

It suffers from Jeff Nichols trademarked slow pacing, but Joel Edgerton and Ruth Negga’s performances are unbelievably endearing.

Top notch technicals are really second to the incredibly respectful direction, intense acting, and genuine drama.

It has plenty of issues, but the climax is awesome, the characters are likable, and the presentation is amazing.

This movie wasn’t meant for me, but I still appreciate what it accomplished.  It’s a superbly acted drama about regular people (something we don’t get enough of).

  • Lion

The first third is quite boring, but the second Dev Patel (congrats on the Oscar nomination man, you deserve it) arrives on screen, the movie gets better and better.  Not to mention Nicole Kidman’s heartbreaking acting and a tear-jerking climax.

Sing is one of the most innocently enjoyable films I’ve seen in quite some time.  Energetic animation backs up extremely likable (and perfectly casted) characters, completed with a terrific soundtrack.

 

#1 – Hell or High Water

While Hacksaw Ridge was tear-jerkingly dramatic, Hell or High Water is a slow-building, character-driven film about family, banks, old age, regret, and morality.  I can’t describe how detailed the screenplay is.  I’m’ looking forward to Taylor Sheridan’s Wind River because this guy knows what makes any compelling movie… characters.  In Hell or High Water, there is the black and white law, but there are also desperate people who have to break that law to survive.  None of the awards for this movie truly tell you how exceptional the cast is.  Chris Pine and Ben Foster have incredible chemistry, as do Jeff Bridges and Gil Bermingham.  There is such an attention to character in this movie, it is amazing.  This is the type of mature, important film that was so sorely needed in a year of “junk food movies.”

 

There you have it.  We went through a crappy film year, but made it out (as we always do).  I appreciate each and every one of your viewership.  There was more than one personal challenge for me last year, but when I get notified that “X liked your post,” it tells me that someone listened, and it motivates me to work harder.  – Erick

Top Ten Worst Movies of 2016

If I hear one more person say that 2016 was the worst year ever, I will create a time machine just so I can take them back to when the Plague killed off half of Europe.  If that ain’t scary enough for you, we’ll make a pit stop in 1944 Nazi Germany!

I’m sorry.  I really can’t stand the internet over the last couple of months.  Not helping is the fact that I had to sift through hundreds of millions of dollars’ worth of garbage to make this list (which you better enjoy son!).  Last year brought us a slew of audience-insulting immaturity, bland redundancies, and soul-crushing disappointments.  This list is going to identify and properly bash the worst offenders.

Rules: This list contains movies from 2016 that I have watched in their entirety.  Whether I reviewed them or not doesn’t matter (links to the movies I have written about will be provided).  Only theatrical releases can be on this list.  The grades I gave them in their reviews do not matter; it is a comparison of the worst movies I saw.  Finally, this is my list, with my opinions, and my rage, so enjoy!

 

#10 – Suicide Squad

I’d make a joke about fanboy backlash, but: A, I don’t have enough followers to validate that joke, and B; the followers I do have are thinking people with a maturity level above that of a 6th-grader.  Suicide Squad is awful.  I left the theater in shock, unable to accept that a movie this anticipated, with a cast this impeccable, and a director who I really like, could be as disappointing as it was.  As time went on, I liked this movie less and less.  Whatever leeway I had left for this movie was destroyed by David Ayer’s pretentious responses to naysayers of his oh so precious flick.  The cast is wasted, the plot is a jumbled mess, and the F/X are pathetic.  Somehow, DC managed to produce not one, not two, but three incredibly disappointing bombs last year (Batman v Superman, Batman: The Killing Joke, and this movie).  Suicide Squad is the worst because it had the most potential.  Not only was the cast on-point, but this script had the potential to be funny (much more funny than it was), and the characters all had time to be developed.  What we got was one of 2015’s biggest misfires.

#9 – Alice Through the Looking Glass

Does anyone remember this pointless treacle?  Thought not.  As the year went on, we got better F/X from better movies (Miss Peregrine and Rogue One specifically) so the one thing this movie has going for it is outdated.  I never even brought up the utterly pointless mental hospital scene that is never brought up again in the movie.  What was the plot of Through the Looking Glass?  Why was it made?  Why is Borat the master of time?  All I can say is thank God this movie bombed.

#8 – The Boy

Good gosh there were a lot of bad horror movies in 2016!  While I could see the ideas and slight bit of effort behind Blair Witch (that’s why it’s not on the list), I don’t think anyone in the production team of The Boy had a clue.  The very idea of this movie is a cliché, and the twist (unlike the one in Dead Silence which was also a horror movie about creepy dolls) makes the plot even worse.  I watched The Boy on Netflix a while back cuz I craved some scary thrills.  I was treated to boring characters muddling their way through a plot with barely enough substance to make it to the 90 minute mark.  The few scenes with the doll are occasionally creepy, but there were never any white-knuckling moments.  Basically, this is a horror movie with little substance and poor direction… and the title sucks.

#7 – Triple 9

You will see many movies on this list with great casts.  I cannot overstate this, a stellar cast does not equal a good movie!  With the finished product in mind, literally anyone could have played these cardboard cutouts.  The plot is so incoherent and confusing, you’d swear it was the rough draft before any revises.   The acting itself is lifeless.  The only one who looks like he’s trying is Chiwetel Ejiofor, and the only one with actual character is Casey Affleck.  At least the screenwriter went on to do Patriots Day.  Actually, that makes me wonder if the whole point of this movie was a paycheck for everyone.  Half of the cast went on to make better movies last year, so let’s just forget this utterly forgettable action flick.

#6 – The Secret Life of Pets

Forgive me if I get a bit too angry at Rotten Tomatoes ratings at times.  Essentially, the website is an amalgamation of critical reviews and ratings on most movies.  Technically a movie could be considered better than another if it has a higher percentage.  You have probably read my review of The Secret Life of Pets (since it was one of my most popular reviews from last year), so you know that I hate this movie with a passion.  I think the last time I got that angry at a kid’s movie was Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.  Seriously, The Secret Life of Pets can burn and die.  The plot is copy-pasted Toy Story with no effort, humor, or intelligence, the voice acting is nothing but shouting and wasted talent, and the whole thing reeks of pandering to children.  Sing was produced by the same company, but written by people with passion and the finished product had effort put into it!  This movie’s success is a bad message to production companies that essentially says, “You can still rip off better movies and the returns will extremely high.  All you have to do is include a lot of dumb slapstick for the kids, and cast actors (that no one hates) like Louis C. K. and the Gen X critics will go easy on it.”  Not to mention this movie’s biggest WTFrick aspect… animated cat buttholes.  I rest my case.

#5 – Ben-Hur

I’m sorry, who the heck asked for this movie?  I guess the producers thought they could remake a movie from the 50s and thought younger audience members wouldn’t notice.  How many more crappy remakes that try to ignore the existence of the original are we going to get?  This movie is beyond saving.  If the shaky cinematography, awful editing, wooden performances, lackluster direction, and ugly effects weren’t enough, we also have a script with literally no new ideas.  Instead of subtlety and an epic scale, we have Jesus popping up every other scene like a Jehovah’s Witness, and a claustrophobic feeling (due to the lack of wide, sweeping shots).  How the same director of the extremely entertaining Wanted created this boring retread is beyond me.  The best thing I can say about this waste is that it reminded people how well-constructed the original is.

#4 – Independence Day: Resurgence

Ab-so-lute-ly EVERYTHING about this movie can be summed up in one word, “No.”  The premise?  No.  The acting?  No.  The F/X?  No.  The release date?  Really?  This movie isn’t even bad enough to be considered a throwback to the cheesiness of the 90s.  I should have given it an F, but I digress.  Hopefully Emmerich won’t ever direct again.  What?  They’ve already announced the third sequel and a Stargate remake?  That does it, I’m raiding 20th Century Fox HQ with a shotgun in one hand and bubblegum in the other.

#3 – Ghostbusters

Hey Sony, you racist/sexist scum of the earth, how does box office failure taste?  Somehow I think that the director and writers had a lot less control over the movie than they should have.  I made it very clear in my review that I hate the response to this movie more than the movie itself (but I still hate it).  I thank God everyday this movie was not a box office success, maybe it will tell companies that audiences are NOT THAT FREAKING STUPID.  The jokes (with very little exception) are insulting and juvenile, and the characters are either stereotypes, clichés, nonentities, or pathetic cameos.  On a few levels, I can see this movie working.  For example, the designs of the ghosts have a unique style, but even that was ruined by studio-forced 3D.  Honestly, I wasn’t expecting this movie to make it so far in this list, but that’s what happens when most of a year’s bad movies are remakes, rip-offs, and sequels.  Hey guys, I have an idea, instead of remaking classics with all-women casts, why don’t you make something original with female heroes?  Maybe then your agenda message would work.

#2 – The Legend of Tarzan

Among the many movies I didn’t see in time to review, this gorilla poop was one of the worst.  Who in the name of Alexander Skarsgård’s pecs thought up this movie and how did they get it made?  Even by Hollywood’s egregious redundancy standards, what was the target audience for this boorfest?  It’s not for fans of the 1999 animated Tarzan since it’s not animated and the plot deals with adult issues, it’s not for hardcore survival enthusiasts because of the PG-13 neutering, and it’s not for people with functioning brains because of how unimaginably ridiculous it is.  While watching this movie, I never once felt like I was watching a Tarzan movie.  In an attempt to be “edgy” The Legend of Tarzan loses the fun adventure that makes up the characters’ personality.  Instead, we get all the clichés, muscly guys saving pretty women whose makeup never smears, a comedic/complaining sidekick (why L. Jackson, why?), a rich white villain who is only after money, and a whole lot a crappy CGI.  Director David Yates has a great talent of blending practical sets (the costumes, makeup, and sets are very impressive) with computer generated effects, but the CGI is way too overused in this movie.  After Mad Max: Fury Road, there is no excuse for choosing F/X over practical stunts (especially if the budget is $180 million).  Every time not-Tarzan is jumping around in the jungle, they zoom the camera out (or shake it around) and cover up the horrendous effect.  It takes the audience out of the experience when we can’t see Tarzan do Tarzan things!  The cast play caricatures instead of characters, and the plot is incoherent and redundant.  This load of idiocy gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a D-.

 

Dishonorable Mentions

  • Demolition

Pretentious and confused, Demolition wastes its talented cast (and a couple of decent ideas) on a script with no idea what to say.

Some decent voice acting and smooth animation can’t overcome shoddy character arcs, plot incoherence, and inappropriate sex puns.

If its predecessor didn’t exist, this unnecessary sequel would definitely be on the list.  That said, I stand by my belief that this movie did have more effort put into it than I thought possible.

All fan service and no direction makes movie disappoint.

Kevin Costner is legitimately good, but the movie lacks action, and the concept is half-baked.  By being shorter than Triple 9 (and less confusing), Criminal made it out alive.

If there was ever an example of DC’s ineptitude to deliver on a product, it’s this disappointing exposition dump.  Even Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, and Jeremy Irons’ performances are all cancelled out by Jesse Eisenberg’s twitchy nonsense.

  • Now You See Me 2

When it’s not kissing the feet of China (gotta get those box office greenbacks), this sequel is farting up plotholes, unnecessary new characters, and stupid visual gimmicks.  Fun Fact: the audience cannot be tricked if they are asleep.

  • Batman: The Killing Joke

From the absolutely baffling relationship between Batman and Batgirl, to the forgettable mobster villain, this adaptation fails from the very first scene.  Then again, if you cut the first 30 minutes, it would be identical to the original comic.

 

#1 – Miracles from Heaven

The cinematographer of Dances with Wolves (one of the most beautiful films of all time) shot this unfocused mess.  Yes, I am still on that!  I can’t believe how bad this movie turned out.  I was a bit hard on Jennifer Garner in the review, so I’d like to say that she was trying.  Unfortunately her character is poor and I really couldn’t have cared less.  The secondary characters are forgettable, and the overall message is contrived at best and lazy at worst.  If this movie’s message was about something like homosexuality, it would have been crucified by audiences.  I haven’t read the book, so it could be as poorly structured as 50 Shades of Grey, or as monumental as To Kill a Mockingbird.  What I do know is that the screenplay can’t create a sense of realism if it tried.  The characters are stereotypes, underdeveloped, or just poorly written.  A fatal flaw of Christian films (this is coming from a Christian, mind you), especially the ones who go out of their way to argue religion, is their one-sided rhetoric.  Obviously the movie is made for a specific audience, but at some point you have to acknowledge the counter-arguments and opposing viewpoints.  Even though the skeptic from The Conjuring 2 was a bit of a strawman, it helped ground the movie in reality and added to the drama.  In the eyes of a secular, this movie could be nothing but unexplained coincidence and forced drama.  Miracles from Heaven is definitely the worst movie of 2016.

 

In contrast to the poor films on the list you just read, the movies on my Top Test Best list are marvelous.  That list will be published in the next few days.  Your viewership has played a part in making 2016 a decent year for me, and for that I thank you.

“Sing” Review

I just realized how many Illuminati jokes I have been missing out on with Illumination Entertainment.  After all, they created the biggest child-pandering gimmick (the Minions) this side of Disney princesses.  And after the useless trash that is The Secret Life of Pets, It wouldn’t surprise me if they are trying to create a new revolution of animation that is nothing but pandering.  That is… until I watched Sing.

Sing is directed by Garth Jennings and Christophe Lourdelet and written by Garth Jennings.  Stars-Matthew McConaughey, Reese Witherspoon, Seth McFarlane, John C. Reilly, Scarlett Johannsen, and Taron Edgerton.  Premise- Buster Moon (McConaughey) is a koala whose Broadway-style musical theater is nearly out of business.  His plan is to find new talent and bring back his audience.  Problem is, he only has $1,000 to his name.  Undaunted, he decides to use that as prize money for a singing competition.

You have no idea how much this movie surprised me.  By now you know that I despise the approach to filmmaking that this production company has.  However, Sing is simply one of the most enjoyable movies I have seen from them.  This is because it was a passion project from the directors, and that really shows in the concept.

The concept is like a kid-friendly version of Birdman with a bit of High School Musical thrown in.  I love the tributes to cinema they make throughout the movie (the main character is partially named after Buster Keaton, they explain the different revolutions the industry has gone through, and the overall style of the movie feels like a behind-the-scenes documentary).  However, this concept needed much better execution.

While these characters aren’t awful, they are all clichés or stereotypes.  The angsty teenage girl, the passionate son with a disapproving father, the overworked/underappreciated housewife, the old lady who forgets things, the pretentious musician (Seth McFarlane was a perfect casting choice for this one), the shy girl with the voice of gold, etc.  You’ve seen all these stereotypes a million times, and sadly, they do little to change up these clichés, aside from given them some funny lines.  The problem that comes with these overdone characters is overdone character arcs.  You can probably predict that the jerk will get corrected, the shy girl will blow everyone away, and so on.  To be honest, that didn’t bother me too much, what did bother me was the main character’s arc.  Guess what?  It’s the “liar revealed” plotline.  Aside from being annoyingly overused, it is incredibly predictable.  There are no spoilers in my reviews, or in the premise.  You can predict that his lie (regarding the prize money) is going to lead to a whole lot of “drama” and a whole lot of wasted time that we (as an audience) know will be resolved because it always is with this stupid cliché!  Sorry, I really wish that cliché wasn’t here because “producer” character type has a lot of creative ideas around it (again, Birdman).

The biggest concern has yet to be stated: why is this thing animated with anthropomorphic animals?  I know why, animated films with animals are more profitable now than they have ever been, but there was really no need.  The gimmick of elephants and three inch tall mice singing wears off after a while and they do so little with the whole “animals take the place of humans” thing.  After Zootopia (which brilliant used it’s animal setting), I cannot let this slide anymore.  It makes just about as much sense as writing a kid-friendly New York mob tale with fish and sharks, oh wait…

That considered, the animation in this movie is breathtaking.  There will be one or two odd close-up shots here and there, but I gotta say, this stuff needs to be seen.  The character movement, the designs, the use of color, the kinetic editing, and the detail (if you look for detail in this animation, you will be greatly rewarded) in every frame is 3D at its best.

The only thing more impressive is the soundtrack and singing.  Are there over 100 pre-existing songs in this movie?  I dunno, I didn’t count.  What I do know is that, while there are many pre-existing songs in this movie, they are used to introduce us to the characters’ personalities and the songs are almost never played start-to-finish.  Unlike in Trolls, the songs actually serve a purpose and the music goes through many different genres.  This movie’s title is generic and obvious (kinda like Brave, or Frozen, or Tangled, or Hop, or Cars), but man these people can sing!  You have to sit through a lot of predictable junk in the second act, but the third act is a beautiful combination of drama, outstanding choreography and lighting, and top-notch vocal talent.  You will be just as blown away as the characters in the movie.

It ticks me off that this movie is both making less money than The Secret Life of Pets, and has a less positive critical response than that movie.  There was clearly more effort on a story level in Sing than there was in that Toy Story rip-off.  One of my notes was “I’m actually impressed” because this movie’s commercials really didn’t interest me, and with my aforementioned hatred of IE, I wasn’t expecting much (maybe that’s why I like it more than other critics).  That aside, as far as 2016 movies go, this is one of the most harmlessly fun ones out there.  Sing gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a B+.

My Thoughts On: “Moana”

Remember the critics’ reactions to Storks and The Secret Life of Pets (“It’s ok.”)?  Well, that is about all I have to say about Moana.

Despite the fact that it is finals week, that had very little to do with my feelings to this movie.  Also, I was not as impressed with this movie’s cultural setting as much as everyone else.  You can attribute that to the fact that Lilo and Stitch (to me) is a much better film and was released in 2002.  Not to say that Moana doesn’t have its redeemable qualities.  The voice acting is earnest, the animation is some of the best of 2016, and the music/songs are amazing.  Sadly, this movie feels like your typical Disney princess fairy tale cleverly disguised with different cultures and fantasy elements.

Supposedly, this movie was going to be entirely about Maui, a demigod voiced by Dwayne Johnson (who is the best thing about the movie).  For some reason, they decided to add a princess (Moana) and make her the main character.  Why?  Either Disney executives made this decision because it would be more marketable, or because directors Ron Clements/John Musker brought us Princess Ariel, Princess Jasmine, and Princess Tiana (old habits).  Whatever the reason, Moana is way too familiar on a story level, especially with the characters.  For example, Moana herself is unhappy with her royal position in society, she desires to explore nations outside of her home, and she has a marketably adorable pet.  If even one of those traits reminds you of another Disney movie, then you have seen this character before, and since the movie wants you to care about here (like, reeeeealy care about her), it is very difficult.

By no means do I think this is a bad movie, but more effort needed to be put into the writing.  The humor was not nearly as good as it should have been, the climax is cheesy, and the second act “adventure” part of the movie didn’t feel that epic.  Even though Moana and Maui’s fun interactions kept me interested, it is not enough to make up for a copy-paste formula.  Moana gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a B.

My Thoughts On: “Kubo and the Two Strings”

A movie came out, received positive word-of-mouth, I saw it too late to deserve a full review, blah blah blah you know the drill.  Today we are looking at an animated film that reminds me way too much of Star Wars.

For what it is worth, Kubo and the Two Strings is very pretty to look at.  I won’t say that it’s as continually impressive as other stop-motion animated films like Coraline, but the style of Kubo is detailed and unique.  Despite this, I found more issues with this film than positives.

I am reminded of Star Wars (A New Hope specifically) because Kubo takes storytelling tropes as old as time and combines it with the originality of its own world/philosophy/lore to create an entirely original film.  The problem is that Kubo is not as expertly written as I’d prefer.  The premise is this: an orphan boy Kubo must find magical armor to defeat a spirit who attacked his family.  Just like The Nice Guys, Kubo is filled with random coincidences, and there are many plot points that aren’t explained.  They probably thought the audience would just accept the oddities of this movie due to the culture (which is also very cool) the characters live in, but these conveniences happen way too often regardless.

As far as voice acting goes, everyone, especially Charlize Theron and Matthew McConaughey, is pretty enjoyable, which is a shame when they have to read the ridiculous dialogue in the movie.  There is annoying slang, stupid love talk, and corny jokes (this movie is nowhere near as funny as it should be).  The climax is especially cheesy.  I get what they were going for, but when you take into account what happens in the climax, it makes certain plot points in the rest of the film completely useless.

There is enough creativity/style to this film to cover up the narrative flaws, but it is not at all “the best movie of 2016.”  Kubo and the Two Strings gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a B.

“Ice Age: Collision Course” Review

Prior to watching this movie, I marathoned the previous four Ice Age movies over the past 3 days; my findings were surprising and annoying at the same time.  The first film was one of my childhood favorites.  Sure it ripped-off Shrek and had dated animation, but it also had incredibly funny banter between its characters, memorable voice-acting, a fun sense of adventure, and beautiful music.  Not to mention that it did its drama pretty well.  Look me in the eye and tell me that you didn’t get close to shedding tears when you saw the “cave-drawing” or “returning the child” scenes!  The sequels are a completely different matter.  Granted, the animation has improved with each film, but the once-clever humor is nowhere to be seen.  The only decent sequel is Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and that is mostly due to Simon Pegg’s character, Buck.  He was energetic, crazy, funny, and very-well animated.  I’m not surprised that this is the fifth sequel, check the box office results of the last two ($850+ million each!).  So, without further ado, let us review a movie that has a worse Rotten Tomatoes rating than Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip.

Ice Age: Collison Course is directed by Mike Thurmeier/Galen T. Chu and written by: Aubrey Solomon, Michael J. Wilson, Michael Berg, and Yoni Brenner.  Stars-Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, Queen Latifah, Adam Devine, and Simon Pegg.  Premise-Due to Scrat’s wacky acorn escapades, a gigantic meteor is en route to annihilate the earth and everything on it.  Now Manny and his herd must find a way to evade certain doom, while Buck finds a way to save them all.

This movie is not nearly as bad as you’d think.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s still pretty bland, but I know for a fact that the worst movie in this franchise is Continental Drift.  The character arcs in that movie were clichés, the villain was pathetic, and the new characters were either stereotypes or useless tools.  Not to mention that the jokes were at an all-time insultingly dumb level.  After watching that film, I was expecting the worst when I walked into the theatre.  We are talking about Blue Sky Studios here; the company that, out of 11 produced films, only has Ice Age and The Peanuts Movie to feel proud of.

The first thing anyone is going to talk about is the once-entertaining Scrat (that squirrel-rat thing).  Remember how his antics would only start the plot?  In Collison Course, he is constantly interfering with what is going on where are main heroes are.  If you saw the Cosmic Scrat-tastrophe short film (which is actually the first 5 minutes of the movie) you’d know that he ends up in outer space, where his accidents end up creating Earth’s solar system (don’t ask). First off, if you plan on watching any of the Ice Age sequels (which you should not), you have to go into it having defenestrated your suspension of disbelief as I have.  The second I saw an underground dinosaur world under a thin layer of ice, during the dang ice age mind you, I was like, “Ok movie, that’s just dumb enough for me to lose all sense of tension and logic, but not infuriating enough for me to lose interest.”  Plenty of critics are complaining over the lack of logic and improbability of Collison Course, but if you know that it’s not supposed to be realistic in the slightest, then you won’t be surprised by the “science” of this movie.  What I am surprised by is that Neil deGrasse Tyson voices in this movie!  Apparently the directors wanted him to cameo for the sake of humor.  I don’t know why he signed on, the logic in Collison Course is incredibly screwed-up, but then again, he’s the astrophysicist.

Scrat’s antics are what keep this painfully short film going.  If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that every one of the Ice Age movies is extremely fast-paced.  This is because each film has a plot that does not have enough potential to reach the 90 minute mark.  Therefore, they have to add at least 3 new characters every movie, and give Scrat more time to eat up.  His scenes in this movie are much more frequent, and last much longer than before.  Most of the time, his scenes boil down to delaying the heroes from saving the world.  This gets annoying very fast, because you’ll be silently shouting, “C’mon man!  I know they’re going to live, just let the movie end!”  The plot is essentially your generic disaster movie with a bit of DreamWorks awkwardly thrown in.  It does resemble Armageddon in more ways than one, but it’s mostly standard.  They do try to create some genuine family drama, but most of it is rushed, or just poorly done.

The characters are probably the worst thing about this movie.  Manny and Ellie are uninteresting, Sid is annoying and his granny is still a stereotype (and a waste of Wanda Sykes), Diego does little, Shira has less than 5 lines, Crash/Eddie are only used for immature humor, and every new character (of which there are at least 5) is bland.  Most of the character arcs are too easy to be compelling, and the dialogue is quite overdone.

There are a few saving graces, for one the animation.  This movie probably has the best animation of all 5 films.  They use different art styles at certain points, the character designs are unique, and the environments are pretty.  Buck returns as well, he’s not as funny as he was in Dawn of the Dinosaurs, but his presence at least adds some energy to the movie.

Oh yeah, the humor.  I forgot that this movie is a comedy.  That’s probably because I hardly ever laughed.  Most of the jokes are immature or lazy, and at least half of the jokes have something to do with slang that is more outdated that the time period the movie takes place in.  There are a lot of cartoony sound effects which attempt to make you laugh at the pitiful slapstick in the movie.  The worst thing is that all the great banter between the three leads is nonexistent.

As I said, I don’t hate this movie, it’s just bland.   Despite that, I completely believe that this franchise would work much better as a series of children’s novels.  Think about it: there are five movies, each one of them has the same core characters going though mind-blowing adventures while making friends, discovering new worlds, and creating families.  In a book, the lack of logic or science could work because it would be a fantasy epic that would require the imagination of the reader.  Think The Lord of the Rings meets Babe.  However, if Blue Sky Studios has proven one thing, it’s that they can sell pretty-looking products without real effort.  Ice Age: Collison Course gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a C-.

 

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“The Secret Life of Pets” Review

You know what is great about being an adult?  Having a maturity level which allows you to comprehend complicated subjects, process thoughts rationally/logically, and being able to contribute valuable ideas and opinions to society.  You know what is great about being a child?  The endless imaginative worldview, innocence, not having to stress about anything complicated, and enjoying life.  The Secret Life of Pets insults both of those stages of life.

The Secret Life of Pets is directed by Chris Renaud and Yarrow Cheney.  It’s written by: Brian Lynch, Ken Daurio, and Cinco Paul.  Stars-Louis C. K., Eric Stonestreet, Kevin Hart, Jenny Slate, Lake Bell, and Albert Brooks.  Premise-Pet dog Max is living his domesticated life until his owner Katie brings in a stray dog named Duke.  Things get out-of-control really fast as Duke and Max can’t get along.

The tweet I sent out about this movie may have been a bit too harsh, but this movie is still extremely aggravating.  That is mostly due to the exploitive marketing.  Thanks to last year’s billion dollar blockbuster Minions (also produced by Illumination Studios); companies will lean towards making child-pandering animated films which consists of things kids love.  A few of those things would be: toilet humor, cute animals (oh wait, adults love those too), slapstick humor, and Minion characters, lots and lots of Minion characters.  It is because of those yellow pills that Illumination is actually still in business.  Sadly, this movie managed to be almost as pointless as Minions.  There is even a completely pointless Minions short film before the actual movie begins.  Illumination, you are not Pixar.  The only thing this short film manages to do is remind the kids that they love the Minions.

The positives are few and far between.  The animation is pretty to look at, and the movement/designs are fast-paced and detailed.  Despite this, I believe this movie should have been made in 2D rather than 3D.  The movements the animals (and even some humans) make would not work in real life, and 3D animation is meant to look close to real life (Pixar taught us that).  Considering how few 2D animated films we get nowadays, it would be nice if this movie changed it up a bit.  There is also one character that doesn’t get that much screentime.  The character is named Pops, and he’s voiced by Dana Carvey.  His lines are delivered very well, and his jokes are the only dialogue-based ones that are funny.   The rest of the cast fails to be funny, endearing, or even tolerable.  Seriously, we have comedians Louis C.K. and Kevin Hart in the cast, and they couldn’t be less funny!  Most of the time, they’re just shouting their lines, or just plain shouting (there is an annoying amount of shouting in this movie).

My gosh, the amount of stupidity in this movie is unreal.  The plot starts off like Toy Story, then it does this Adventures in Babysitting thing for 40 minutes (where innocent characters get into dangerous/ wacky scenarios), then it becomes a buddy drama, and ends in a gloriously bewildering mix of genres that left me feeling completely confused.  Nearly every time a scene cuts to another, the scene we cut to has a tone which is completely opposite from the previous (and I thought the transitions in Batman v Superman were horrendous).  Now to the sound, it is an abomination.  There are an overuse of stock cat sound effects, extremely loud impact sounds, and (as previously stated) actors screaming their lines!

The characters, oh good grief the characters!  Let me tell you, there is enough drama, attempted tension, and sappy scenes in this movie to make a Woody Allen comedy.  Unfortunately this movie lacks the characters that make Woody Allen comedies decent movies.  As I watched characters nearly: get run over, be clawed to death, go insane, get eaten by snakes, go through emotional turmoil due to the loss of the only person who ever gave them love, etc., I felt nothing.  With the exception of Pops, these characters aren’t interesting, funny, charming, or have anything worth watching (the villain is a near-rip-off of Fifi from Open Season 2).  Apparently this movie is getting pretty high ratings from critics.  Most of them admit that it accomplishes little besides “fun innocent entertainment.”  To that I say, BULLCRAP!  In a year where so many kid-friendly films are boldly and cleverly adding social commentary to their stories to make the movie that much more useful (Finding Dory, Captain America: Civil War, and Zootopia being some of the most popular), pandering movies like The Secret Life of Pets should not be accepted as decent.

How are the jokes in this movie?  They suck.  In addition to half-hearted voice-acting, the jokes are insultingly simple.  Unlike in Toy Story where the jokes were clever, and utilized the concept to its full potential, The Secret Life of Pets makes every overused “stupid/cute animal” gag ever.  You know ’em, “the cat chasing the laser pointer” gag, “the dogs hating squirrels” joke, etc.  The problem is, these jokes are predictable, you have seen them one million times before, and you can do this in real life with actual pets!  Why would I want to pay $10 bucks to see pets do this crap in animated form, when I could see it in real life for free?!  The only thing worse than the humor is the atrociously slow pacing.  The movie isn’t even 90 dang minutes, but it felt like 2 hours!

Are you ready for extreme awkwardness?  No?  Well you’re gonna deal with it because I had to deal with it for 90 minutes!  You’re not gonna believe this; remember what I said about the toilet humor?  There are a plethora of: pee jokes, poop jokes, spit flying all over the screen (did I mention that this movie is in 3D?), and even a few animal anuses.  That’s freaking right, they actually spent the time, money, and energy to animate buttholes on some of these dang characters!  If you think reading this post is awkward, just imagine sitting in the theater and having one of those pop up on the screen!  The amount of confusion I have for this decision is immense.  Just why?  Why would you spend real money on that!  No one wants to see that!  That’s it; I’m done with this freaking movie!

Look, if you have pets (or are an animal lover) and find this movie endearing because it relates to you, that’s fine.  If you’re a child who loves cute animals, that’s fine too.  But for the love of effort people, I hold kids movies to a higher standard than what Illumination does.  Out of the 6 films they’ve released (Hop, The Lorax, Despicable Me 1/2, Minions, and The Secret Life of Pets); only the Despicable Me movies are actually good.  It’s because they spent less time trying to appeal to the broadest demographic and more time on actually trying to be creative, have interesting characters, and compelling drama.  I truly don’t understand why so many critics and audience members are acknowledging that this movie kinda sucks, but give it a free pass anyway.  From the plagiarized plot, pandering humor, bland characters, lazy voice-acting, and lack of anything (except the animation) worthy of calling it “useful,” The Secret Life of Pets is a pitiful excuse for a kids animated film.  It gets Guy’s Guru Grade of a D.

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